The Technology Certain Luddites Think I Should Eschew...
Has actually probably kept me going over the past four years.
I know It’s hard to fucking believe…but yeah, without the internet I’d be already gone.
I don’t know how to tell you this if you haven’t given a shit to read what I’ve written. But yeah, I grew up more like Gen X than anything else. The computers I learned on in elementary school were Apple IIe’s that were nothing more than fancy typewriters or even toys. Compact Discs were well beyond the capacity of storage needed for any of the computers that were available until I hit middle school.
One thing that technology did that has kept me stable over the past few years, is it allows me contact with people from other parts of the world where I feel less like an alien. The retrograde social structures in the United States are a MAJOR part of my dissatisfaction with life, along with the fact that most people actually cause me to feel more drained and alienated as I interact with them. The nice thing with tech is you can come and go as you please, or better put, as your needs and abilities allow you to.
People have certain mistaken assumptions, not just about me, but about others as well. One of the biggest ones is that there is One Right Way to be “happy” (a fucking absurd concept if you ask me!) or “healthy.” People interpret this stupidly as “life with indefinite longevity at all costs” no matter what the individual before them experiences. I warned people to step carefully with this regarding me, because in truth, I’ve been done with life for quite a few years now. Think of me as being in a sort of hospice type situation. Last year, I attempted to interact with the world a little more by taking night classes, and those didn’t go well. I suffered from deep and intense fatigue which hasn’t really broken since then. One thing I discovered is that anyone acting adversarial towards me caused me to melt down, especially if they were trying to actively deny my a need or it was because they felt entitled to misunderstand me. The vast majority of people cannot understand what my needs and abilities are, and after experiencing irreversible burnout a few years ago, this became abundantly clear to me as one of the root causes of said burnout, and probably at root from the deep dissatisfaction from the life I had before that where I was forcibly engaging with a world that I actually secretly hated on a day to day basis.
Now there may be some of you who think like alt-right thinkers do about gender dysphoria and Trump did about Coronavirus, if you didn’t know about it, it basically wouldn’t exist. They both would, and did. In North Korea, where information is tightly controlled, and internet access unavailable to the vast majority of DPRK citizens, these things still exist. Some of them are even acutely aware that the propaganda the Kim Dynasty shoves down their throat is complete bullshit as their material conditions don’t align with what they’re being told. The fact that the internet brought forward the term “Gaslighting” during Drumph’s campaign the first time around, simply gave a word to it. It wasn’t even a Neologism like the term “shallowing” that describes a heterosexual technique that people have probably known for millennia.
A hard pill to swallow, is that people being ignorant morons got us here in the first place. I actually enjoy satirizing them for my own benefit, because it does take care of the itch I need to scratch at the moment.
A warning I give that you should heed; I do not accept unsolicited advice of any sorts. I’m past the point of giving a shit about what most of you have to say about my existence. I put up with this bullshit from Joe Zuraw, Bill Watts, and to a very minimal extent, Anna. Anna was actually the only one who had literally any perspective on what it’s like to be me. I could be mistaken, but I saw those non neurotypical things in me reflected back at me. It’s why I felt more seen in that moment, if only for a moment. You can read the text history I had with her that shattered my illusions about transit. Here and here. Worse yet, if I view your advice as patronizing, I will reject it and ignore you the first time…maybe. Consider yourself lucky if I don’t become immediately obnoxious to you. Some of you who I really don’t like and was just being my default of kind or neutral to, will experience this side of me right off the bat. I don’t value your input, especially if you ignored what you could clearly read here.
To that end, I leave you with this; beware, I have the proclivity to be a nasty prick these days. The biggest lesson I learned from Bill, Joe, Transit, and especially Anna, is that it doesn’t pay to “go along to get along.” It does pay to be a prick. If you’re unapologetic, you just might get rewarded with power and privilege. Worst case scenario, someone will Jordan Neely or Jaco Pastorius you and you won’t have to suffer this miserable existence anymore.
I’ll leave you with this piece I shared with Joe Zuraw as a dig at him and anyone else who thinks they know more about me and my inner sanctum than they actually do: